Ferocity Hornswoggle on Choreography

     ‘’There really isn’t a lot of music that says, ‘seven fouetté turns, into a grand jeté, into a needle… then STOP for a second to grab your heel and yank your foot next to your head’.” We’ve all seen the meme on Facebook and we all know it’s true; yet we are constantly subjected to piles of “Got to Dance”-type-choreography-crap everywhere you see dance in popular media. I’m certainly not dissing any of the dancers I know and admire who’ve been contestants on these kind of programmes - or even the choreographers themselves really - but we all have to admit that the choreography can be pretty cringe-worthy… It’s almost as if we think that dance on popular TV shows won’t capture the attention of your average Alan from Doncaster or Tracey from Solihull, unless the choreography is incredibly O-T-T, trick after trick and contains very little actual dancing.
    It must be difficult to get emotionally involved in your piece or portray any enjoyment at all when you’ve got your right foot somewhere behind your left shoulder or you’re half way through a backwards-walkover… and really, isn’t that the reason we all dance? Because we love it? It’s certainly not the most financially rewarding career, plus it leaves you pretty physically broken about ninety-percent of the time. Personally, I enjoy myself most when I’m performing in a piece where I’m able to bring a character to the stage and build on that with every new performance, without having to focus on how far I can push my developpé or how many extra turns I can squeeze out on the night. I think it’s fantastic that these TV shows do exist to bring dance to a wider audience, however I’d just love to be able to watch one without despairing at the empty choreography paired with empty expressions from dancers (with the occasional “please vote for me” knitted-eyebrow-glance).
    So why does this kind of thing seem to be the only choreographic style we’re seeing on TV these days? Personally, I think we have programmes like “Dance Moms” and the dreadful monstrosity that is “Honey Boo Boo” to blame, not to mention - as much as I secretly love him - Louie Spence and the way he seems to have taken over the British public’s view of what a dancer is. We promise, we’re not all that cringey and camp… well at least not ALL the time, anyway. Plus, I can’t be the only person who gets asked, “OMG, are you going to be dancing with Louie Spence?!” every time I tell a non-dancer (aka “muggle”) that I’m going to Pineapple.
    In all honesty, I’ve never even watched “Dance Moms”, but I’ve seen enough videos of Maddie Ziegler on YouTube to know what kind of choreographic garbage it’s poor viewers are being exposed to… (although, you really can’t knock the kid; she could probably do five times as many fouettés at the age of eight than I’ll ever be able to do in my entire life). Isn’t it a shame that when you have wonderful people like Drew McOnie churning out incredible shows all over London and Matthew Bourne’s “Swan Lake” being aired on TV every Christmas that a “dance routine” is still seen to be all Maddie-esque-“whack-a-leg-180-degrees-round-your-opposite-ear”? Yes, yes, we all know you can do the splits Maddie, we’ve seen you do them a thousand times… anyone who’s spent over a week within spitting distance of Urdang can probably do them too. Calm yourself down. 
    Even “Strictly Come Dancing” promises to be the bane of the life of any jazz/ballet/contemporary dancer; being asked by your many great-aunties and your Mum’s work colleagues “what kind of dancing” you do, only for them to be utterly befuddled and disappointed when you tell them, “no, it’s nothing like Strictly”.
    So, how can we solve this? Perhaps the answer to getting Alan from Doncaster interested in proper dancing is by introducing him to pieces that - like most of Matthew Bourne’s work - have a narrative or comedic element, making the world of dance more relatable for him than just seeing these “Dance Moms” kids whack out a series of tricks to music, with no actual story. Would the discovery of short dance films being circulated for free on social media, perhaps prompt Alan to buy a ticket for a piece of live theatre (and not just that one time his wife dragged him to see “Saturday Night Fever” on tour in Sheffield)? Will the day ever come that the statement, “I’m a jazz dancer” won’t be followed with a five-minute-spiel explaining why I haven’t been on “Strictly” or “Britain’s Got Talent” yet? Or - on the other hand - the assumption that, “Isn’t contemporary dance just climbing out of boxes and smearing bananas on walls?” No, muggles! Believe it or not, there are other dance careers, Alan! Haven’t you ever seen a West End musical for goodness sake?! You have?! Well then.. there you go. What? You didn’t realise that people actually get paid for that?! Oh Jesus Christ… I give up. Rant. Over.